My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
where are my pants?
in the oven.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
