So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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