Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
