I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
