Just fell off a train. Bad.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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