I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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