You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
