Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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