i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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