Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
