i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
