dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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