if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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