Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
