I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
