I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.