I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
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It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.