You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
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I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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