At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
