apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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