my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
