Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
