you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
