someone get that fucking seahorse.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
