Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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