I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
