I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
i drank out of a bidet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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