I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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