I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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