ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
