it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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