So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
