I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
splinters make it hard to masturbate
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
