If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
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I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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