how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
