It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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