guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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