When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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