threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
