he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just high enough for therapy.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
