I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
