I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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