the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Found your dick twin last night
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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