just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
