Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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