i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
