saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
high people should be assigned attendants
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
