watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
