You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
