You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
