I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
