I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Green mimosas i think yes
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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