god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
