Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
whose ass print is on the piano?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
