dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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