You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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