At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
