I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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