it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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